All of Life Grows in Softness, Not Hardness
In nature, everything needs to be vulnerable to grow. Plants grow in their soft green parts, not the hardened part. Crabs need to get out of their hard shell to be soft and vulnerable to grow.
And so do humans. And Dr Gabor Mate goes so far as to say: “no emotional vulnerability, no growth”.
So if we need to be vulnerable: allowed to feel our feelings in a safe and trusted context, in order to grow, evolve and improve — hopefully it’s pretty apparent that tough, hard and critical love doesn’t serve us in growing and getting better.
And while there is a time for Tough Love. Consider a small child about to run across a busy street. We firmly and with great force pull them back to safety. That’s not soft. It’s firm. And so in this example and in my experience working with clients — tough love has a place to balance a behavior in dangerous or extreme situations. But it’s going to be the soft, compassionate love that follows that then helps us learn and grow.
Science Shows Us Compassion Is More Effective
Recent Science shows us that being hard and critical on ourselves holds us into the patterns we’re trying to overcome. And yet this is one of the HARDEST concepts for clients to understand: that soft, supportive Self-Compassion is more motivating and supportive than Tough Love and Self-Criticism. [1]
Recent studies show that putting in the time and care to treat ourselves with genuine self-compassion, is actually more motivating and supportive of real change and growth.
Here’s How to Move Forward, Says Dr Kristin Neff
It’s simple. If you want to do more and overcome your mistakes more quickly – let yourself off the hook! Be compassionate, kind and forgiving of yourself. Use Soft Love 🫶
Activate that genuine experience of compassion for yourself. Let yourself feel that: You ARE doing your best, and that life IS hard sometimes.
Your Self-Compassion for Motivation Workout 💪 Making the Shift from Tough Love & Criticism to Soft and Loving, Self-Compassion
This is not an easy shift to make. Most of us were conditioned and raised through a lens of tough-love being more motivating than kindness and compassion. And so it may require patience to truly turn the tide to experience the profound impact coming into deep Self-Compassion can have on your life… but it WILL be worth it.
- Become Aware You’re Being Tough & Critical: In moments when we fail or fall down, we tend to turn to criticism and tough-love as a way to motivate ourselves to do better next time. Become aware of this pattern and recognize how it makes you feel. Do you feel energized and motivated. Or heavy and defeated. Whatever the answer… become aware of it.
- Challenge the Pattern: Ask yourself, "Is this pattern of self-criticism really motivating me to do better, or is it making me feel worse about myself?" Challenge the belief that being hard on yourself is the only way to create change. Be curious. Be open to your own feelings and experience.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and support. Speak to yourself with a soft and loving tone, just like you would with a good friend. Remember: You ARE doing your best. And life is and feels HARD sometimes. Let yourself be kind and supportive. It will make all the difference.
- Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that you are human and that making mistakes is a normal part of the learning process. While we don’t often hear about it, being human is tough. All humans are imperfect. But it can be hard to remember that when we are surrounded by a society that often ONLY shows each other our perfect moments. Embrace your imperfections, knowing that loving them is key for moving forward in life.
This takes time! Remember to treat YOU like you would almost anyone else.
And for starters – please do try treating yourself like the small child you LOVE the most. That’s real compassion.
When you fall down next can you really be soft, kind and sweet to yourself like you would to a 5 year old. We all fall down. We all make mistakes. That’s called life. So let’s learn how to move on more quickly with kindness and compassion.
Ok let’s do it!
We love you! Dr. Zoë, Fenix, Ellie 🫶
