I have always blurred the lines between my personal and professional life. You know that 😉
Today, I want to share with you about my brother Stu and the last few weeks of my life following his Near Death Experience.
And this is so heartfelt a story to share, that I actually created a video of me sharing it, so that you might get my heartfelt gratitude and all my loving with it too. Listen to this email / blog via Video
Many of you already know that I've been in Australia because my brother Stu almost died.
He miraculously survived a freak electrocution involving 66,000 volts.
His heart stopped beating for 15 minutes.
The doctors did not expect him to regain consciousness.
They prepared us for the potential complications that often accompany such a shock if he did wake up: severe internal organ burns, significant brain damage, and more.
So when Stu opened his eyes, recognized us, and tried to hug us... we were completely unprepared for that.
“Daddy’s Awake and He Has His Personality”
The first miracle was that Stuart didn't die instantly. Each day that followed brought more miracles and moments of awe and gratitude that I'll never forget.
Every day in the ICU, Stuart faced new problems, from his brain, heart, burns, pneumonia, and infections.
But miraculously, each day, the challenges from the previous day were resolved. Fatal or fateful complications were cleared.
It was the most intense roller coaster ride I've ever been on.
It was also the most beautiful, touching, and life-changing time. But it was also the most exhausting and traumatic time.
People Asked: Are You Close with Your Brother?
And I responded, "Stuart is not just my brother. He was my only family when my Mum died when I was 14 and he was 12. He has been my rock and best friend ever since."
Apart from COVID, I have had the profound blessing of being able to return to be with Stu, Jo, and their family every year since I moved to California in 2005.
So the very real possibility that Stu would not wake up, and that his wife and 2 kids would have to live without their Dad... shook me in ways that reminded me of losing our Mum to cancer 30 years ago.
The idea of living this life without Stuart... makes me sob again... and for the 1000th time this month, I am grateful to feel and enjoy these tears of pure love, magic, life, and joy.
If We Don’t Cry the Tears of Pain…
We’ll Never Know the Tears of Love and Joy.
Many people feel sorry for me when they see me cry because they only know tears of sadness. They have no reference point for the sobs that express pure joy, connection, and beauty.
I remember how it felt to only know and experience sad tears.
When my Mum died when I was 14, I recall hearing, "You're okay, you're strong."
Those words were kind, sweet, and loving. Everyone around me desperately wanted us kids to be okay and find the strength to overcome such tragedy.
Unfortunately, like most of the world, they didn't understand that to be truly okay in the long term, I needed to feel NOT okay and NOT strong in the short term.
We all need to understand that it's okay to feel and to fall apart.
It's healthy and healing to feel weak, lost, out of control, and devastated.
So my mantra became: "I'm okay. And I'm strong."
And I refuse to cry.
And I refuse to fall apart.
It became the thread that held my entire life together.
I started to believe that it's better for everyone around me if I'm okay and strong.
No one wants to see me cry.
No one can handle me if I fall apart.
So I Learned to Control My Emotions and Suppress My Tears
Can you relate?
Do you know how to contract and control the area above your solar plexus, somewhere in your stomach, in order to suppress your tears?
Most of us learn this skill from a very young age.
And I KNOW this may sound extreme, but I genuinely believe it is one of the main reasons why many of us are not happy.
This concept is best explained by my good friend Dr. Gabor Maté:
All humans have two basic needs: the need for authenticity and the need for connection.
We have a need to be authentic, which means we should be able to honestly express our feelings and needs.
And we also have a need for connection or attachment, which means we need to feel loved, seen, and heard.
Why We Need to Feel and Cry
When my Mum passed away, it was crucial for me to genuinely express the pain and fear I was experiencing. I needed to be seen, heard, and loved during those moments. I needed to understand that I would still be loved, even when I wasn't okay and feeling weak.
However, because I didn't receive that support, I learned to suppress this natural, healthy behavior.
Over the years, I became better and better at suppressing my tears and my authentic expression of emotions.
No Real Love is Found in ‘Ok and Strong’
This might seem radical…but relationship and genuine intimacy is created in moments of vulnerability, not in times of okness and strength.
Expressing vulnerability and authentic human emotion is crucial for establishing sincere connections and meaningful relationships. When we fail to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and express our true emotions, we deny ourselves the opportunity for true connection and intimacy with others.
Not only was I disconnecting my ability to feel my intuition and gut instinct, but I was also gradually limiting my ability to connect deeply and authentically with other human beings.
Expressing vulnerability and authentic human emotion is essential for creating genuine connections and meaningful relationships in life. If we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable and express our true emotions, we do not open ourselves up to true connection and intimacy with others.
The 5 Regrets of the Dying
I want to share the 5 regrets of the dying as researched by Palliative Care Nurse Bronnie Ware. This widely cited study shows our need to authentically express emotion: to share our fears, feelings and needs with our loved ones, underpins almost all of what we’ll regret in this life.
#1. I Wish I’d had the Courage to Live a Life True to Myself, Not the Life Others Expected of Me.
Bronnie found this was the most common regret of all.
And this is SO common I believe, because we live in a world that conditions us to ignore our Human Need to Be Authentic – to authentically share our fears, feelings and needs with others. Because when we do, we shut down our authentic emotion, we’re also shutting down our connection to our Authentic Self: to that part of us KNOWS both intuitively and instintictively KNOWS what makes us happy and alive, but to also have the courage and life-force to move on that.
#2. I Wish I hadn’t Worked So Hard.
This came from every male patient in the study. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. But this was also abundantly true for women too.
When we don’t allow ourselves to sometimes be emotional, vulnerable and weak, we learn to always be strong and in control. We almost get addicted to holding all of life together: and we try to do that with our hard work and making money.
#3. I Wish I’d had the Courage to Express My Feelings.
Bronnie reported: Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
#4. I Wish I had Stayed in Touch with My Friends.
Ok this one is the one that hits home with me personally. I don’t make a lot of time for my friends, and I hear that call within, and so I’m compassionately moving on this wish this year.
#5. I Wish that I had Let Myself Be Happier.
The irony of this one, is that we CAN’T feel happy, without feeling sad.
If we don’t allow that connection with our energetic or emotional body: i.e. we don’t feel our fears, feelings and pain, we also CAN’T feel happy.
Brené Brown shares that if we learn to numb those hard and painful feelings we can’t help but become numb to the positive and happy ones.
I am even more committed to share with those ready and willing to walk the path of Authentic Vulnerability with me.
It's not for the faint of heart, but I agree with Brené, because it's been my experience...
Falling apart in our toughest times, helps us let go of what doesn't serve us, and helps us receive a greater connection to who we really are: our Authentic Self and beyond.
The next time you're having a tough time remember: you don't have to be Ok and strong. And it's so healthy and healing to expression those feelings and whatever you need in those hard moments.
I love you. Thanks for being here.
Always xoxoxo,
Zoë
Rainbow Bridge Support 🌈
I'll be sharing soon about Fenix' Rainbow Bridge Support Experience – a weekly hour sharing the vulnerable path of being a pet owner, or perhaps more accurately a pet 'Kahu'. (In Hawaiian, you don't call yourself your pet's owner. Their guardian, protector, steward, beloved, attendant.)
Back in the Office 🤗
If you're looking for greater clarity, courage and a clear direction for 2024 schedule a session now.
And if you're ready to release clear, heal and release whatever challenges, conditions or patterns might be up for you right now, schedule time soon.
It's our greatest challenges in life that help us find what we're really looking for.
And the path of vulnerability will help you unpack what seems unmanageable and impossible, to finding the magic and the miracle.
Coaching with Zoë
