Fenix’ PepTalk
Please stop being mean and beating up on yourself when you’re not perfect and you make mistakes.
We all fall down. We all do things we wish we didn’t.
Be as kind and soft-hearted to yourself, as you would to me.
Yep. Easier said than done. BUT DOABLE.
So today, and this week, please be super kind and sweet to YOU, cause you're MY FRIEND!!!!
I love you 🐾 #YourHappyCoach, Fenix xoxox
Compassion Not Criticism
Strategy from Dr. Zoë Lumiere
One of the HARDEST concepts for clients to understand, is that Self-Compassion is more motivating and supportive than Self-Criticism is. Consider this scenario. Perhaps we really wanted to show up for something - like going to the gym 3 times this week, or putting energy into a new project.
But for whatever reason, we don’t.
Human beings have been conditioned to be critical and hard on ourselves as a way to ‘hold ourselves’ accountable and motivate ourselves to do better next time.
Recent Science shows us however that being hard and critical on ourselves usually does the opposite. It makes us feel judged and less, and that takes away our energy to get up and do more next time. [1]
Recent studies show that putting in the time and care to treat ourselves with genuine self-compassion, is actually more motivating and supportive of real change and growth.
So today we unpack how to move from self-criticism to self-compassion. And how to truly support ourselves to show up for what matters most to us in this world.
Making the Shift from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
Step by Step Guide
This is not an easy shift to make.
Most of us were conditioned and raised through a lens of tough-love being more motivating than kindness and compassion.
And so it may require patience to truly turn the tide to experience the profound impact coming into deep Self-Compassion can have on your life… but it WILL be worth it.
1. Become Aware:
The first step is awareness. Often the reason we don't change, is because we're not aware of how we're reacting in particular situations. So for the next week or month, make a conscious effort to be aware of in moments of challenge, conflict, chaos: do you treat yourself with softness, support and Soft-Love, or do you treat yourself with hard, harsh criticism and punishment?!
And also be aware of that part of you that thinks and feels that you WON'T CHANGE unless you're hard and critical on yourself. Remind yourself that actually scientifically you are far less to change and do better next time, if you're critical. Remind yourself that if you are soft and kind and forgiving with yourself now, you're more likely to do better and improve next time around!
So just for this next week or month, become aware of this pattern and also do your best to become aware of how it makes you feel.
Do you feel energized and motivated when you're mean and critical?! Or heavy and defeated.
Do you feel hopeful and optimistic when you're kind and forgiving?!
2. Challenge the Pattern: Ask yourself, "Is this pattern of self-criticism really motivating me to do better, or is it making me feel worse about myself?" Challenge the belief that being hard on yourself is the only way to create change. Be curious. Be open to your own feelings and experience. This transitioin will take time, but use this question to challenge this pattern and make some changes in your life.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and support. Speak to yourself with a soft and loving tone, just like you would with a good friend.
The easiest and best way to learn how to be kind and supportive if yourself when you fail or fall down, is to treat yourself the way you would treat a small child learning to walk or ride a bike.
Take a moment just now to really be aware of how you WOULD treat a child learning to walk?!
What is your energy and tone?! Are you soft and supportive, or hard and hurtful? What do you believe about them?! Do you believe they're doing their best?! Do you believe that falling down is an essential and beautiful part of learning to walk? Are you patient? Are you trusting the process?
4. Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that you are human and that making mistakes is a normal part of the learning process. While we don’t often hear about it, being human is tough. All humans are imperfect. But it can be hard to remember that when we are surrounded by a society that often ONLY shows each other our perfect moments. Embrace your imperfections, knowing that loving them is key for moving forward in life.
Pro Tip 🏆 Repeat! Practice self-compassion regularly, especially in moments of struggle or failure. Repeat this process as many times as necessary until it becomes a natural and automatic response.
From Dr. Zoë
It’s an adventure I think I’ll be on for the rest of my life.
I was raised, like so many of us, with a lot of ‘Tough-Love’ criticism. My parents tried their best. But I did not learn how to be kind and forgiving of myself when I fell down.
I have made so many incredible and profound shifts in my relationships, career and personal life BECAUSE I stopped feeling terrible about my mistakes. But this shift does take patience, practice and as much Self-Love as you can.
You ARE worth this adventure.
And Fenix and I are grateful to be sharing it with you.
We love you oxoxo Zoe and Fenix xoxoxoxoo
