On Fridays we've been diving into how we as a human race, has learned to suppress our emotion, which leads to imbalance and dis-ease.
[Listen to Gabor Maté explain this process in our Advanced Resource below]
A chronic manifestation of suppressed (and repressed) emotion is being Passive Aggressive.
So the first thing I want to tell you – is that developing this behavior we call Passive Aggression is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong to create that coping mechanism in you. In fact you NEEDED to learn how to suppress your feelings in order to take care of yourself when you were younger (I'll explain below). And so while this pattern is NOT YOUR FAULT – if you DO want to release it – you have the opportunity now in your life to take responsibility for it, and heal it.
This process is NOT an overnight process. It’s a life-long adventure into greater health, happiness and freedom. And the guide below will serve you as a wonderful blueprint for this ongoing expansion into greater health and happiness.
Releasing Anger [any form, including Passive Aggression] Starts with Vulnerably Feeling Emotion Again
Most, if not all of us, at some time in our childhood, received messages like this when we had big and challenging emotions:
Don’t cry.
Stop behaving like a baby.
You’re ok.
Stop throwing that tantrum.
Shut up.
Be nice.
Stop being so pathetic.
Smile.
I need you to be good.
No one loves a cry baby.
Hush now.
Etc…
It’s no one’s fault that we’re here to repeat and recycle the patterns of the past. We are ALL INNOCENT in this process of evolution and enlightenment. And so this is not against your parents - it’s just the way the world works right now. Of course that is, until enough of us do the hard work of healing these patterns so fully that we stop passing them on to future generations.
The Problem with not Experiencing Emotion
In short, when we stop experiencing emotion and rather start to suppress and then repress them: we are severing our connection to our True Self: our Life Force.
To be present in this moment means experiencing the highs and the lows and everything in between. And when we actively suppress our connection and emotion in the present moment: we are also suppressing our ability to feel intuition, gut instinct, our ideas, our own truth, our authentic expression.
How We are Conditioned to Suppress Emotion in Childhood
We have 2 needs when we’re small:
- We need to be loved and taken care of. We need to be connected to others. (Our need for Attachment)
- And we need to be ourselves and express who we are. We need to be connect with our true selves. (Our need for Authenticity)
When we’re 2 years old for example, and we just lost our favorite toy at the mall, and we are DEVASTATED… we have HUGE uncontrollable sadness about this. And so we wanna cry. Like a lot. We want to feel and express that we loved that doll so much. That we’re losing a part of the best part of our world. We NEED to authentically express the pain, hurt and sadness we are going through. (Remember this child is 2 years old).
But instead our parents were running late, and didn’t have the time, patience or emotional understanding to allow us to grieve (which would have lasted no longer than 90 seconds actually – if the child was FULLY heard and completely understood and loved) so we hear: “Stop Crying. Stop Fussing. I’ll buy you a new toy. If you’re quiet and good, I’ll buy you a new toy. Stop crying. Stop.”
And so with the force of a thousand hurricanes, we learn how to push that emotion back down. And in order to do that we internalize the criticism and correction of our parents: which is ‘Stop crying. Be good. If you stop having big feelings you’ll be taken care of.’ We learn to tell ourselves inside, what we hear outside.
And so when we have big painful, sad, upsetting feelings: we learn to push them down. And we tell ourselves that in order to be good, we've got to do keep doing this. And over time pushing down this ocean of energy continually is tiring, exhausting and so we develop anger as a way to disperse some of this energy.
If we can’t feel sad about losing our doll, we’ll at least feel angry as a way to feel some sense of power and control in the situation. Maybe we take this out on a sibling. Or on ourselves.
Over Time, Our Anger Becomes Our Greatest Protector
Passive aggression is often the result of a childhood where emotions were excessively suppressed.
When we’re not allowed to feel the pain, sadness and hurt that all children feel regularly and in big ways... we develop an inner Task Master that says: “Stop crying.” Which gets more controlling, more critical, and more angry overtime.
And while this big Angry protector inside is actually 'helping' us get the love and care we need when we're little, it becomes a life-long pattern that stops helping anyone or anything pretty quickly.
Starting to be curious that there may be sadness and pain underneath our anger will get us started.
Being Aware that All Anger is Protecting Sadness is the Start
So as an adult, if you’re unpacking your own challenges through life – it’s critical to start to allow yourself to FEEL your anger, in your body, in your inner world (you’ll need to let go of the thoughts, and blaming, and desire to take action in the world around you) – and as you allow yourself to simply feel the physical sensation of anger (it might be fire in the eyes, or painful scratchiness in the throat, or a deep, dark knot in your stomach, or an acute stabbing sensation at your chest, or one of a million physical sensations…) you WILL start to be aware of the sadness underneath.
When someone says something careless or hurtful to you you get angry (and immediately you'll want to pour all your energy into blame, and being right, and defending yourself...) but if you just feel the physical sensations in your body you might be aware that anger is the sadness of feeling misunderstood and unloved.
When someone doesn’t do what they say they will you get angry (and you'll want to pour all your energy into figuring it out, and trying to fix and problem solve...) but if you just feel the physical sensations in your body you might be aware that you feel disappointed and unimportant.
When someone cuts you off in traffic you get angry (and flashes and projections of how they're such a terrible person, despite having zero information, makes you even angrier...) but if you just feel the physical sensations in your body you might be aware that that you feel sad when people aren’t kind to you. It’s sad that you have to do so much, and work so hard, and are always rushing, and life just feels tough and hard and you would love for it to feel much easier... 🥹
So being open and curious and learning to feel the sadness underneath the Anger is key.
And then We Simply Learn to Give Ourselves the Love that our Inner Child needs
To heal this pattern is actually quite simple. Just not EASY AT ALL.
Kind of like climbing a massive mountain. Like massive. It’s simple. Just move up the mountain until you get to the top. Simple. But not easy. There are so many obstacles and things to overcome that are anything but straight forward.
So it’s NOT EASY, but healing is simply the process of having time, space, kindness, support and profound love and compassion for yourself when you’re feeling your emotions.
Just as it would have been so lovely when you were 2 years old and you lost your doll (your best friend that you have EVER had in the entire world)… that someone got down on the ground with you, and held you, and let you cry, and let your express how sad and painful and how terrible it is. And also let you share how much you loved them, and how much they meant to you, and how important and special they are. And they would have just kept listening and with radical empathy been able to express to you that yes - omg this IS so terrible and so painful and we truly understand why you’re feeling such HUGE emotions because it IS huge and upsetting that you have lost your doll. And we love her too 🥹 ... That’s what you’ve got to do for yourself.
Yep it's radical. Unconditional Loving IS radical. Compassion IS radical. Because when we're a grown-ass-adult it's so hard to let ourselves feel big emotion and be understanding and kind and patient. It's hard.
And so that's why we work with our Inner Child.
Often We Need Those that Have Created These Places of Compassion and Unconditional Loving inside themselves, to Listen and Love us First
This is why I created the Sacred Circle. We all deserve to be seen, heard, loved and honored in our challenges. And when someone or some people can truly hold with you and understand you – it’s so much easier for us to grow in being able to do that for ourselves.
Up Your Game 🙌
Get more support for growing the sacred muscles that help us thrive, be happy and abundant
Upgrade NowYour Authentic-Emotion Workout 💪 Expressing Authentic Emotion Freely [This might be more like 17, not 7 minutes today]
- Call forward your most recent BIG Anger feeling. Just trust whatever comes up. If a moment from last week comes up – go with that. If a moment from 10 years ago comes up – go with that.
- Let yourself feel it. Where do you feel it in the body? What color does or would it have? What texture and movement does or would it have? Feel the anger as a physical sensation.
- Give your anger a voice. Write it down. Shout it. Punch a pillow. Dance it. Draw it. But give yourself at least a few minutes of venting. This is where you get to blame and complain and truly share your uncensored anger. Let it get crazy. GIVE IT A VOICE!!!!!
- Now just be curious, open and so incredibly soft with yourself, and be aware of what's the sadness or pain underneath (there's a good chance you've already become aware of it as you expressed your anger – often it just naturally morphs).
- Give your sadness a voice. Let yourself remember any very early moments when you first felt this way. Give your inner child a voice. Let your inner child say whatever it didn't get to say. Whatever it needs to say. Whatever it has been holding on to all these years...
- Now get down on the ground, and be the world's most compassionate parent. Reflect your understanding to your inner child. Tell them that you get it! It wasn't their fault. You understand now and you're here now to help them get what they need and to listen to them and love them.
- Ask your inner child what do they need, to let the past go? Usually it's a huge hug and someone to tell them everything's gonna be ok. Sometimes they'll tell you all they needed was to be heard and loved, and so they can let it go easily right now.
- As the world's most compassionate parent again – give your inner child whatever they need. Give your inner child whatever experience they need. Use your imagination, intention, intuition, whatever you have... to truly give the inner child in you the Loving experience they need and deserve.
- Repeat the next time you get angry or notice a bitchy passive aggressive side coming up in you 😉
