As a society, we’ve become experts at suppressing emotions, a pattern that’s led to widespread challenges in physical, emotional, and mental health. In the Advanced Resource below, Gabor Maté dives into how this dynamic unfolds.
One common outcome of repressed emotions is passive aggression. Let’s start with an important truth: this behavior is not your fault. It’s a coping strategy you developed to protect yourself as a child. In your younger years, learning to suppress feelings was a survival skill, not a flaw.
That said, while the roots of this pattern aren’t your fault, the opportunity to address and heal it is now within your hands. This healing journey isn’t quick—it’s a gradual process of building a healthier, freer, and more joyful life. The guide below offers tools and insights to help you begin.
Opening the Door: Vulnerability as a Path to Healing
From childhood, many of us were taught to hide or dismiss our emotions with phrases like:
- “Stop crying.”
- “Be a good boy/girl.”
- “Smile—you’re fine.”
These lessons weren’t intentional harm but reflections of generational patterns. To break these cycles, we must first understand them and embrace the courage to feel deeply again.
The Harm in Suppressing Emotions
As children, we have two essential needs:
- Connection and care (Attachment).
- Expression of our authentic selves (Authenticity).
Picture a 2-year-old who’s lost their favorite toy at the mall. To them, it’s an unbearable loss. They want to cry, grieve, and express their sadness. But if their parent is rushed or overwhelmed, they might hear:
“Stop crying. Be quiet. I’ll get you a new one.”
In that moment, the child learns to bury their emotions to stay connected to their caregiver. This act of suppression takes tremendous effort, and over time, unresolved sadness morphs into frustration, anger, or passive-aggressive behaviors.
How Suppressed Emotions Become Passive Aggression
When emotions like sadness or pain are repeatedly suppressed, we create an internal “manager” that scolds us with commands like: “Don’t cry. Keep it together.” Over time, this voice grows harsher, and we lose touch with our true feelings.
Instead of processing sadness, we might feel anger—but even that gets buried if it’s not safe to express. This leads to passive-aggressive patterns, where unexpressed emotions surface in indirect, subtle, or defensive ways.
Recognizing Anger as a Protective Mask
To begin healing, we need to recognize that anger often hides sadness underneath. When you feel anger, pause and notice how it feels in your body. Explore it with curiosity.
- Upset because someone disrespected you? Beneath that might be the hurt of feeling unseen.
- Angry when plans fall apart? The deeper feeling could be disappointment or unworthiness.
- Frustrated in traffic? It might mask sadness about how hard and unkind life can feel sometimes.
By gently peeling back the layers, we can reconnect with our deeper emotions.
Learning to Love Yourself Through It
Healing this pattern means learning to nurture your emotions with care and compassion. It’s simple in theory—be present with your feelings—but it’s far from easy. Think of it as climbing a steep mountain: every step is challenging, but the journey is profoundly rewarding.
Imagine if, as a child, someone had lovingly supported you when you lost that precious toy. If they had held you, listened to your pain, and validated your feelings, you would’ve felt seen and safe. Now, you have the chance to provide that same kind of care to yourself.
The Power of Community Support
Sometimes, healing requires more than self-reflection. Being surrounded by compassionate people who truly see and hear you can be a transformative experience. That’s why we created the Sacred Circle—a safe space where you can explore your emotions and grow alongside others on the same journey.
If you’re ready for deeper support, we’re here to help.
With love,
Zoe 🤗, Fenix 🐾, and 🌈 Ellie 🐶
